You never know the good you do

Today I held my best friend as she sobbed into my shoulder. It was the last time I was ever going to see her. I said many of goodbyes today, and somehow, I'm not sad. I haven't even cried with grief yet.

I've been in Christchurch for 3 years, and I feel like for the first year, I was so defeated about moving here in the first place that I didn't even try. I didn't appreciate, and I didn't love. The next 2 years, I came out of my shell, and found purpose in every day things. Now my all has been centered around "going about doing good". I'm 15, which is seems to be a prime age of doing opposite, but really you can go about doing harm at any age. It's seriously so joyfully rewarding to actually improve someone else's life. I understand the reward of taring someone's else's life down, but it serve's no fufillment, and has no joy.

Naturually, I am a pretty happy person. I wouldn't be surprised if by 40 I have a bijilion smile lines. I'm the first to greet the new girl, I enjoy connecting with people, I enjoy making people feel like they belong, and I love spreading joy. I mean this is a pretty sappy interpretation because I imagine many people say these same sentances without filling it but hopefully you can take my word.

This brings me back to "You never know the good you do".  You know how much self-doubt you have to go through when you're the one initating interactions, being weirdly happy, and participating to the max? In NZ, culture is pretty laid back. Boys and girls don't talk, and they're the opposite of me. Not sure if it's like that everywhere. I wouldn't know if people see me as a aspirational wannabe, however this to me is the right choice that brings at least me, joy. Jesus went about doing good, and I'm trying to follow in his way. Today, as I step back and observe what I've built up in the last 2 years, you see the good. We had a small goodbye party with my young women's youth group, and they went around the room sharing anything with me. I look around and see girls who used to feel invisible, or who used to feel like they didn't fit in, but now I see girls who belong. So many said that I was the first person who made them feel welcomed, and how that affected them later on.

What Mila said made me laugh, we've gotten close in the past few months. She's 2 years older than me and has just finished high school, we were loosely friends before but not super close. She said that in the beginning, she saw that I was really happy and good, and that she thought I must be fake or something, but that the longer I was around, she realised that was who I was, and that it was permanent and I truly was just a good person. She said that even though I'm younger than her, every time I speak in seminary (which is a lot), and every time I talk in class, it makes her want to do so as well.

Lita mentioned the funny circumstance of how we met, I had almost forgot! On my first time going to a church young women's activity, I was there at the beach with our YW leader at the time Elise. Elise only mentioned then, that sometimes, nobody shows up at all. That sure made me feel greaaat. Then Lita arrived. She was the first girl I met. We walked on the beach doing a scavenger hunt, and she was just good to me. She is one of those people who exudes joy as well, and she's so graceful in it. She also mentioned how her and Mila had talked about how my hugs were also so good which is nice to know :))

From the time when there was only 2 young women showing up, to now almost 10 of us, it's a fufilling feeling knowing my hand was in that. To know that I made a difference, and that I brought people who felt like they had no friends, to have the best friends ever. It doesn't mean everyone notices the extent of my masterminding, but God will, and I feel more confident about standing at my judgement bar.

I'll miss feeling like a leader, feeling like I belong, and honestly feeling so freaking cool. I was saying goodbye to bestie Khorban when I asked him and Temi if the Young Men would freak out if I went and gave them hugs too (I haven't really talked to them). He was like "ummm, I'm not sure", and that includes his older brother too. I knew I would regret otherwise so I just walked up to each of them, called them by name, and gave them a hug. I don't even know if they knew I was leaving hahaha. I'll describe each hug because I think it's hillarious.

Levi I've always thought was pretty handsome, because he looks like Khorban, but if Khorban was straight lol. I don't think he was expecting it at all but he still smiled and gave me like a distant hug haha.

I think Layton likes me, but I doubt it's a full on crush. He's a guy's guy, but he seems to have good enough manners. Solid 8/10 hug.

One is like a big brother to me. For a few months, he had to take the bus home from seminary as well because he has a health problem which means he gets sick easily. I was pretty shy since he's this 18 year old Poly guy and I was a 14 year old white girl, but I won't forget how nice he was and inclusive in a very brotherly way. We would talk on the bus, and more notably we scripted a whole chant together for a youth shield challange. He too, is moving to the phillipines on his 2 year lds mission, but we'll be in different parts. I'm always surprised how open he is to just giving a good hug. Will miss him and Lita.

I've said all my goodbye's now, and I don't have any regrets. Christchurch shaped me as a person, and I'll likely forget all the nitty gritty details of how that came about, but what I fundimentally advocate for hopefully won't. 

And a hundred mother truckers can't tell me nothing.