dear viewer, life is yours for the taking

you could waste it, you could spend it, you could simple live in it ..... or you can take it and make it your own :))

(Note that this is not an April Fools joke lmao)

cough cough, I'm sick + thoughts on being a young mormon

Either I have a terrible immune system, or the flu loves me, but I get sick every 3 months. I always forget about sickness, because it comes, and then it goes, and you forget again how absolutely wonderful it is to breathe normally.

Heads up. This is a less interesting post due to my lack of functioning brain cells, so feel free to scroll past :)

So I have a dilemma on how to spend my day, I could go stay in bed and watch some shows and movies and that would be completely acceptable because I'm sick. Or ... I could go out and buy the things on my shopping list in preparation for fsy.

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I ended up doing both, I stayed on the couch watching youtube for a few hours, and then went out to the mall with my sister to get the stuff on my list ... not that I even found half of it haha. So now I'm back in my bed again and I ponder how this sickness is actively making my day worse, like I cannot function properly. Even more than sickness I hate writing about negative things I can't control so let's not make this worse for ourselves hahah.

So, a couple of things on ma tiny big mind lately.

Number 1. I think I'm going to take a break from instagram and facebook, I don't need it and I feel like it's taking up my time with it's nothingness void.

Number 2. FSY is next week!!!! I haven't covered religion at all in this blog. Sometimes I'll start a post on thoughts of religion but can't seem to get it across right, so I just include it whenever it feels right. Baseline, I'm from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (aka the mormons lmao).

I feel like I live this religion differently though, I'm not the molly mormon girl but I do agree and follow the Gospel. This church is very family oriented, everyone mostly sits on a row with their family, I lack in this area. Originally my whole family were members, but then my dad stopped going, and my brothers too. So sometimes I sit there alone or usually with my sister. My dad very much still encourages us to go to church, but he doesn't agree with the way the church is run. Buuut I understand his points and have yet to come to peace with it too. I can tell you a few things though. I believe in God, and I believe in his son Jesus Christ. I believe in the Holy Ghost, and that it it testifies of truth when truth is revealed, and I've felt it testify to me.

I'm not really someone who shares my testimony so openly, and even though it seems like I am testifying of big things, usually in my church people share a lot more. I can't even testify that I know my church is true, or that the book of mormon is the word of god, because I don't know it yet. Religion is still a grey area for me, but it's my personal belief that any religion that makes you into a better person has truth to it. I think being a member of this church makes me a better person. 

Aaanyway, back to FSY. In my church, I am reffered to as a "Young Women" as I am below 18 years old (the marriagible age hahahhahah). And every 2 years they have this camp for young women and young men called, ya guessed it, FSY. For 1 week about 200-500 youth are put in a college campus or a built church organization with the purpose of meeting others and growing your testimony. However people also find their wife/husband or girlfried/boyfriend there. I'm not too keen on that just yet hahah, but I'm excited. I will also be the only english speaking person there.

Number 3. I'm meeting up with my friend kuya russel on Friday. He lives on a different island but he's coming up for a temple trip so I'll meet with him there. He's a friend from seminary, and he has a girlfriend so don't raise eyebrows at me just yet.

Number 4. There's a new plan I need to write about, a plan that involves me living alone in BGC (Manila) in a year, so let's talk about that soon.

Number 5. I am very behind on my seminary catchup work so I'll start that now hahah.

why i don't read old text convos :)

I actually just can't bring myself reread old text conversations. It's funny enough how half of your relationship with someone is all written down, recorded, right there for anyone to see. I think that's why I don't find texting special, because I enjoy the feeling of having the memory stored in only our heads, and no one else can see it. Knowing only you and this person will remember the times you spent together. To me, that feels more special. So really, I can never reread old messages, I just have no desire to. Because what you say usually only means something in the moment, people make promises they don't mean, someone can love you forever ... until they don't.

Ok and also because do you ever look back at old things you did/said and absolutely cringe. Maybe not even cringe, but just bust out laughing? I have seriously done some diabolical things, and I just laugh at myself. I applaud myself for giving 100% though. Yes trying is cringe, because trying means you don't know what to do yet and you have to try different things, and inevitably, one of those things are gonna be embarrassingly wrong. Actually 100% trying gets you places though, it gets you where you want to be. It feels easier to not try sometimes, so you can justify why you're not where you want to be "I haven't tried yet". So try :))

getting over him is like butter

Back in my home, New Zealand, they have the best butter I've ever tasted. I'm not talking about the fake plastic stuff, I mean the solid 500g butter block. I'll actually eat butter straight as if it were cheese, it's that good. Anyway, my real point stems from me lying in bed 2 nights ago, reflecting how far I've come in the past 2 months. I mean, it's not like I've done a huge amount of impressive things, but in a mental state. AKA, getting over him.

I still cringe over writing about it, because I fear become the girl whose breakup defines her personality for the next year, I really hope not. But I was thinking about butter, and how no matter how much you slice it, there's always a piece left. Yes, that sounds counter intuitive, but in our household there was always that tiny piece of butter in the packet that was always left. Now I feel like I'm slowly slicing away at this butter in my life, and so many big parts that were affecting me aren't there anymore, but there's always that last piece of butter lmao. Ok it does sound dumb but hear me out guys!!

Personal opinion: I think breakups are good. Maybe not good, but necessary. And necessary hard experiences can shape you into a better person or a worse person. I think how we react to hard experiences/challenges define a little bit more of who we are.

One day, there'll be no more of this butter left. Because slowly that last piece will melt away without you even really realizing it :)

Have an absolutely awesome day.

let me just get this random embarrassment off my chest

Hardly ever do I get truly embarrassed to the point that thinking about it makes me want to die. I put myself out there a lot, so I'm confident in my social ability, and I'm a thinker so I don't generally say the wrong thing or mess up in my words.

Well. I just had a memory of something embarrassing and it made me laugh-die, it's so trivial, and isn't even that bad, but here it is.

For 3 months last year, I was living with my mum in Auckland opposed to with my Dad in Christchurch. I went to this early morning seminary class. I enjoyed it, I made friends, I had fun. Nothing wrong there. There was a guy I met there called Villiami, we weren't close friends but we were cool with eachother. He was a bit of an oversharer when it came to answering questions and I had a feeling half of the class found him annoying, but yeah just some random guy.

Anyway, I moved away, and I did see him a few times after that since I visited back some weeks, but it's not like we were close.

So about 5 months after I moved away, I was there visiting my mum, and we go to Paknsave (Kiwi supermarket). We get our snack supplies for the evening and head to the checkout, I see Villiami manning the checkout. It didn't surprise me as 3 classmates from my old seminary worked at this paknsave so I knew I was bound to bump into one of them. We stick our groceries on the belt and he, as a good cashier, makes some small talk about our plans over the weekend. Now for some reason, something felt off, like he seemed nervous, or unsure in an anxiety inducing way, which in tern made me nervous and anxious. I'm half laughing out my replies and he is too and it's like he's trying not to look at me. But this is all while he's scanning the groceries and putting it away.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT MY DUMBASS STARTS DOING?

i cant i cant i cant im dying already. 

bro i start picking up the groceries off the conveyer belt and putting them back in my trolley, they weren't even scanned yet. to this day i do not know what possessed me to do such a thing.

I think it's because I saw him putting away shopping too so I'm like oh let me help you but he hasn't even scanned the stuff I'm putting back. And you know what? He didn't even say anything, he just looked a little puzzled until my mom looked at me and was like wtf, and I was like wait wtf, and then we were all like wtf, and I just wished to hide in that moment as I put them back. We akwardly did the rest of the checkout and we said bye and that was the first time I was grateful to be flying out of this country within the month lmao.

guys guess what! I'm not broken lmao

I realized this morning, I'm 16, and I've never truly had my heart broken. I've felt heartbroken before, but not actual heartbroken. I've never been broken in pieces, much less because of a guy.

Yesterday, my friend texted me, her guy said he wanted to stop their relationship, so he broke up with her. Once I found out, I immediately invited her over, told her I'd be home in an hour, and said we'll talk and hangout with her. I've also known this girl for only a week but we feel so close already. This girl is the epitome of going through a breakup. I love her so much though, and we had a fun night out and in together with her other friend as well, and she got to laugh, she got to sob, she got to be whatever she wanted to be, feel whatever she needed to feel. As we comforted her, Kyla said that her crying meant that it was real, and what they had was real, she agreed. I'm glad we had this night for her, and as I reflected at the end of the day, I noticed a few things.

I never cried like that over any guy, the past month I've been getting over a guy, but I've never cried, and I agree what we had wasn't that real. My love is mine all mine hahahah. 

I remember this point with this guy (my first real getting over a guy thing at 13), after months of dreaming about the idea of him, that I realized if he texted me "hey baby" or called me his girlfriend how I'd cringe at that, weird right? I would think I really really like this guy, but the actual thought of him calling me his bae is absolutely no. I hit that same point with this recent pal, where I realized even though I really liked and adored him, how weird it would be for him to refer to me as his girlfriend. I don't think that's even a me thing, because there's guys that I'm like hell yeah call me baby bae honey and that'll feel good, but specifically the guys I have crushed on aren't even the guy that will make me feel good in a relationship. I think it's just wanting if for the sake of wanting what you can't have.

Something Kyla (my sister) had to remind me through all this growing up era of mine, is to not become an egotistical person who is bitter and thinks she's too good for everyone now. Yeah it stung for her to say that to me but she really is right, it's an easy direction to go in. Some days I feel like cursing out francis and breaking down everything about him that makes him a crap person, and then I realize, he's just another human wandering on this spinning rock. God didn't put us in each other's paths for him to hurt me and then for me to be bitter. Maybe I can't choose his actions, but thank goodness I can still choose mine.

I don't really want to sacrifice my morals and standards of always being good to people and even being over-supporting just so I can look like the "unbothered cool girl low effort supreme". Yes, I don't get the last laugh, I don't get to look unfazed, I look like a give a shit. But in this world of people who pretend they don't care and don't try in the fear of seeing that they tried, I've stopped trying to follow along with that. Yes I look cringe, no, I'm not going to let that hold me back. What's great is that I don't have to see him again, we don't have lots of common friends, we live far enough away to not run into each other, as in I can move on and not have to dwell in that boat. 

I've been writing this post throughout the work day, I started around 10am? It's 10pm now. I guess I see how my mood fluctuates, I'm pretty happy to just write whatever, but I like that I get excited to write about new things now. OK I KNOW THIS IS BAD TIMING TO SAY WHEN I'VE LITERALLY JUST BEEN WRITING ABOUT THIS GUY BUT GENERALLY SPEAKING.

Sometimes something will start to make me anxious about what he thinks of me, but then I remember what we were literally talking about in class about sacrificing the opinions of others to keep your morals and to do what's right. I'm not going to go into my deep thought about that but I gotta know that this guy thinks I'm a weird try hard person, that I'm needy and clingy, and that I'm a kid. I've gotta say (respectfully), so what? As long as the people I really care about don't think that about me, do I have to change myself for the people who are also just trying to be low effort, and can't stand when someone else tries?

I gotta accept that he'll show his friends, and could say mean things about me. (though to be fair his friend thinks im pretty hehe). It's a little humiliating how much I put myself out there, how many songs I sang for him, how many videos he has of me, and how much I comforted him, but I don't blame myself, I would do that again but just with someone who would receive that better.

I have to accept that I never get answers or "closure", but really I don't think he has any answers to give me. I still have to like myself, and not become a worser person because of this, I've been pretty good at that part though, I have enough self love storehouses hahah.

But also remember that you did mean something to him at one point, he did message you when he was sad, he did spam you after our hangout to say that he missed you and that he had seperation anxiety from being away from me, and I remember all the things he taught me (including how to call someone a bitch in tagalog) and the fun I had.

I write because it makes me feel better, it makes me feel like I know what I'm doing, and that I have a plan.

The sun set over the horizon

You watch the sun, a glorious bright orange ball low in the horizon. It casts it's orange/pink streaks all over the sky, making the buildings glow with warmth. Any person would look at this and say it's beautiful. It's empowering. However, as fast as a few minutes, the sun has sunk below the horizon, leaving you in awe of first it's beauty, but one moment after, the stark difference of how it leaves the world within minutes of radiance. The sky starts to darken, soon it becomes pitch black. Was the sun even there to begin with? Will life stay dark forever, the sun leaving you only of it's beaming memory?