New years eve

 Last time I'm gonna say I'm 15. Not to a boy, not to anyone, but to you. I'M FIFTEEN

wtf bro

When interesting things happen, somehow that's the time I don't write. Hello fam, it's been a minute. I love how I say fam as if you as the viewer know me, or that there is a viewer at all. In full honestly, it's only me who mans this page.

So me? I'm on a plane to Kuala Lumper Malaysia right now. Crazy times. It's Boxing Day, and yesterday was Christmas. Somehow, I don't feel like writing about Christmas. It was a time so perfect in itself, that I have no thoughts to share, nothing to complain about, just gratitude. I spent Christmas here in Manila with my 3 older siblings, it's definitely a Christmas I will remember. I think I'll call this years Christmas the "year we had that crazy Christmas Eve". If you know me, you can ask me the story.

I'm almost 16. Every entry I write leads back to my age. I have 5 days left of 15. It feels like every day is another pointer of why I wished I was older. I can't really use the word wish though, because if a genie appeared and said I'll make you whatever age you want, I'd still choose 15. It can just be inconvenient sometimes. Like when your best friend is 20, but he's scared to hang out with you alone because you're a minor (from personal experience love my life), or today when I tried to check-in, they wouldn't let me without a parent. I had to call my dad's gf to drive over here to sign my forms for me. So to me, it feels like 5 days until I have a small wedge of freedom. It's very enticing.

It's not like when I turn 16 it'll change anything between me and Francis, I've kind of accepted that things will always be as they are now. However that doesn't stop people from wanting what they can't have.

Life feels good right now. Walking down a street at night feels good, breaking my jump rope record feels good, laughing with Willow feels good, thinking about Francis feels good, having church friends feels good, maybe being dehydrated on a 4 hour flight not so much haha.

I think I'll watch the first fast & furious movie on this flight, we'll see how I get on. I'm gonna be so tired when I get to KL. I don't think I could've predicted 2025 like this, especially the end. I sometimes look at my situation and bust out laughing at myself, what I have I gotten myself into?

----

Maybe I'll change the first part of that. When happy things happened, that's the time I don't write. When sad things happen, I'll write all the way. This is Dec 30th, 4 days later, and I'm on the plane home. I don't really know how to drop this in a poetic and peaceful way so I'll just say it. Francis doesn't want to talk so much anymore.

"oki", I could've texted back an explanation on why it's fine or even asked him if he was okay but I just said okay. There's a little drop your heart makes when you hear something like that, and then it stings. He said something like "I'm going to be honest with you Amy, I don't think we should talk so much anymore". Even after you reason something like that, and you say oh it's not you and let's still be friends, it doesn't really cover the initial sting of that. His reasoning? He's worried how other will perceive our friendship because of our age gap. He said he'd been thinking about it for the past 2 days, and he just thinks it's not good that we talk so much.

I don't know if this is the younger part of me speaking, but I don't get it. I understand it's weird that we relate so much yet we're 5 years apart, but I honestly thought sister zoning me was enough to not make it so uncomfortable for him. Or why now? Why did he check in on me or always love to hear from me when he's going to say it like that? He made it sound like I was annoying him and that he wanted me to stop, it really did hurt, and it still does.

He started this all from a question he'd been waiting to ask me "do your parents know?". Once he heard my dad didn't know fully, and that he wouldn't be happy if he knew, francis sort of freaked. He said I have to ask my parent first and then I can talk to him. I really feel like all these doubts and concerns are just him, it's not from me, it's not from my family, it's just him. But that's why I like him so much, because he's a good person. He's been raised to know it's not normal and that we should stop. He apologized for making it akward, but that as my kuya (older brother) he has to be the one to do that. 

Ok actually now it's starting to make sense to me. I think I could see if I were in that situation, I'd freak out too. This is difficult to navigate.

So now I have to figure out what I'm going to do. If I go silent, he'll be silent, and I also really want those shin noodles he's gonna buy for me for my birthday hahaha. He mentioned almost 3 times to use the gc with kyla in it. So okay, I can do that, but idk if that's what I want. I don't know if this is a phase and he's going to get over it or this is forever. I think whether or not it's a forever thing is up to me. You won't catch me sending any more good morning and good evening texts that's for sure hahaha.

On the way to the airport, I sat across from Dad on the train. I really wasn't planning on it, but I realised if francis wanted my dad to know, or at least have his opinion, then so be it. "Are you okay with me being friends with francis?" "How old is he again? 20 something?" "Just 20" "hm". He said "I don't know him well enough to make a judgement, but I know that guys that age will usually have different intentions, but I'm willing for you to find that out the hard way". He didn't say anything more, and then 5 minutes later I said "Well, I don't think francis wants to be friends anymore". I explained what he said, and I waited for my dad to say something. I was holding his hand as I said this, and he just brushed the calluses I have inside my index finger and said "You have the same birthmark as your mother". I still waited, "We need to get off at Terminal 2".

I'd be lying if I said that didn't hurt, just a little more, that my dad couldn't say anything to me. That's who my dad is, I didn't expect more from him. So instead when I got on the plane I sent messages and videos to my best friend willow about how francis doesn't want to talk to me anymore so me and her are going to talk lots now hahah. She really rooted for me and him, in a more than friends way, I was so surprised how much she was into it. She honestly said that if I have a teen pregnancy with him that she'll come and we'll raise the child together (as long as I name the child after her haha).

I think I'll stay in Francis's good graces as much as I want to remove myself from his life completely. I'll send the group a message saying I landed safely or something like that. I think it's the natural man in me that wants to make him guilty, to hurt him in the small ways he hurt me through what he said last night. When really, I'm just hurt that someone so close to me is letting me go after he knows everything now, after I opened up.

So to top it all off! Yesterday I went all over KL central, and I kept playing "Somewhere in the middle" by d4vd. As soon as he said goodnight and to go to sleep, all I could think about is that song and it's meaning to me now. Honestly the whole album. I'm glad I can find some new meaning in something small as a song.

"I wanna think you love me but you never said the words. I don't love you I don't hate you, I'm somewhere in the middle. I don't love you I don't have to, I'm losing it a little, somewhere in the middle"

It's ironic that d4vd has been the soundtrack throughout talking to francis, if you know, you'll know. If you don't, the backstory is that d4vd was recently found to be in a relationship with a 15 year old girl, and he's a 20 year old guy. She was found dead and dismembered in the trunk of his Tesla. He isn't in jail yet, because they're still trying to gather all the evidence on him killing her, but c'mon, we're talking about a guy who wrote "Romantic Homicide". The title alone says enough. I liked his music even before all of this, but now all his songs have new meaning, because he really does mean it. He really did love a 15 year old girl, and he'll love her from the "afterlife".

I didn't tell francis about that one as it'd freak him out, but even his celebrity idol Paul walker was with a 15 year old girl when he was 33. I don't understand how he didn't get bad rep for that.

But when all is said and all is done, Amy has beliefs, Burr has none.

Pick your battles (also pick your kuyas better for goodness sake)

So, a normal person in my situation at this very moment may express their annoyance even when it's uncalled for and doesn't make sense. It's my last night here in KL, I knew the store would be closed by the time I got there but oh well. 

Honest, can we just sit in this weird space.

And next time pick a kuya your not attracted to

bruv, I'm going to Kuala Lumpur

Before you get too giddy, it's a work trip. But yes, I'm excited.

it's been a minute

 I love how my blog has become a single line entry place rather than my old thoughtful blogs. That's really saying something about my life right now. So I'll just write everything out, so I'm not confusing you. This is gonna take a minute.

One month since I moved to Manila, PH from Christchurch, NZ. I'm still living every day as if this is normal. I'll give you some insight with what I'm looking at right now.

Different huh? 

But honestly, it doesn't consume me, it doesn't surprise me, I'm just content and breathing in a different part of the world. The part which makes me stop is francis.

So I've been meaning to write about him, I can't even remember if I wrote on how we met. It was my first day here, and I found what would keep me up for the first month here.

But let me get my facts straight so you don't think I'm delusional...

He's 20 years old. I am 15.

Sooooo, questionably predatory? Nope but a concerning part of me likes it. One moment, he just messaged me :))

So I don't want to make a big scene, because it could not last long, but I'd love for it to be a long term friendship. I think you can tell that I'm into him by the way I talk about him rip.

Francis would describe himself as a shy person, he doesn't have many close friends, and he's alone most of the time, which is probably why he's fine being friends with me lmao. He's a world champion in hip-hop dancing, and he is currently in university studying IT. He is also very concerned at himself for talking to a 15 year old minor.

We met when his friends approached me and my sister to ask us out for a drink, they did not realise we were minors lmao. Fun times for all of us.

So just a one liner to remember

 You make yourself happy. Happiness is a self decision :)

I can't freaking wait to grow up

15. Can you believe I am 15.

I mean I'm not upset, but I'm just so excited to be 20. I can't wait to be my own person ready to make my own poor choices!! And to learn from it!!

The head on my shoulders has a good brain, I think I have what it takes to have a good adult life. I'm smart, I have a good career path ahead of me, people tell me I'm beautiful even though I'm not quite at the point of believing it, and I'm social and able to make friends, I believe I'm a good person too!! I've moved around, I have triple citizenship in 3 different countries, I can somewhat speak mandarin, I'm a good cook, I have a good support system, and I love life in general sense.

Um I sound a little delusional but I think that's me? I have a good future ahead of me, I'm not invested into things that won't get me anywhere.

I like to play a game where I play out people's lives, and see where it's headed. Seriously not a mean way but it's good to learn from other people. I see this problem where someone gets really good at something all throughout their teenage years (e.g. dance, sport, singing, etc) and that becomes who they are, it's where they make their friends, it's what makes them cool and different. They get to 20s and their still riding that wave. Make no mistake these people are awesome!! They are amazing people!! I know some of these. But what happens when they graduate? You must realise at some point that the skill you placed all your intention into can't carry you forever. You can't play basketball forever, you can't dance forever. It's so sad. So identity crisis happens and you're forced to get a minimum wage job because you don't have any other qualifications. This is how people grow old, and always look at their 20s as the highlight of their life.

How can life be so cruel to the best of us?

So yes I am stuck working 60 hours a week programming for my dad's  fintech company as an intern, and that's not cool in the slightest at my age, none of my friends know (except bestie willow). I just know one day I'll have high paying skills and 1% share holding in a growing company. And I'm very grateful for my situation, I know that hardly anyone gets it as good as me.

At the same time, I don't feel spoiled or as if I didn't work for it, I work so flipping hard.

For the future :)