I realized this morning, I'm 16, and I've never truly had my heart broken. I've felt heartbroken before, but not actual heartbroken. I've never been broken in pieces, much less because of a guy.
Yesterday, my friend texted me, her guy said he wanted to stop their relationship, so he broke up with her. Once I found out, I immediately invited her over, told her I'd be home in an hour, and said we'll talk and hangout with her. I've also known this girl for only a week but we feel so close already. This girl is the epitome of going through a breakup. I love her so much though, and we had a fun night out and in together with her other friend as well, and she got to laugh, she got to sob, she got to be whatever she wanted to be, feel whatever she needed to feel. As we comforted her, Kyla said that her crying meant that it was real, and what they had was real, she agreed. I'm glad we had this night for her, and as I reflected at the end of the day, I noticed a few things.
I never cried like that over any guy, the past month I've been getting over a guy, but I've never cried, and I agree what we had wasn't that real. My love is mine all mine hahahah.
I remember this point with this guy (my first real getting over a guy thing at 13), after months of dreaming about the idea of him, that I realized if he texted me "hey baby" or called me his girlfriend how I'd cringe at that, weird right? I would think I really really like this guy, but the actual thought of him calling me his bae is absolutely no. I hit that same point with this recent pal, where I realized even though I really liked and adored him, how weird it would be for him to refer to me as his girlfriend. I don't think that's even a me thing, because there's guys that I'm like hell yeah call me baby bae honey and that shi will feel good, but specifically the guys I have crushed on aren't even the guy that will make me feel good in a relationship. I think it's just wanting if for the sake of wanting what you can't have.
Something Kyla (my sister) had to remind me through all this growing up era of mine, is to not become an egotistical person who is bitter and thinks she's too good for everyone now. Yeah it stung for her to say that to me but she really is right, it's an easy direction to go in. Some days I feel like cursing out francis and breaking down everything about him that makes him a crap person, and then I realize, he's just another human wandering on this spinning rock. God didn't put us in each other's paths for him to hurt me and then for me to be bitter. I can't choose his actions, but I sure as can choose mine.
I don't really want to sacrifice my morals and standards of always being good to people and even being over-supporting just so I can look like the "unbothered cool girl low effort supreme". Yes, I don't get the last laugh, I don't get to look unfazed, I look like a give a shit. But in this world of people who pretend they don't care and don't try in the fear of seeing that they tried, I've stopped trying to follow along with that. Yes I look cringe, no, I'm not going to let that hold me back. What's great is that I don't have to see him again, we don't have lots of common friends, we live far enough away to not run into each other, as in I can move on and not have to dwell in that boat.
I've been writing this post throughout the work day, I started around 10am? It's 10pm now. I guess I see how my mood fluctuates, I'm pretty happy to just write whatever, but I like that I get excited to write about new things now. OK I KNOW THIS IS BAD TIMING TO SAY WHEN I'VE LITERALLY JUST BEEN WRITING ABOUT THIS GUY BUT GENERALLY SPEAKING.
Sometimes something will start to make me anxious about what he thinks of me, but then I remember what we were literally talking about in class about sacrificing the opinions of others to keep your morals and to do what's right. I'm not going to go into my deep thought about that but I gotta know that this guy thinks I'm a weird try hard person, that I'm needy and clingy, and that I'm a kid. I've gotta say (respectfully), so what? As long as the people I really care about don't think that about me, do I have to change myself for the people who are also just trying to be low effort, and can't stand when someone else tries?
I gotta accept that he'll show his friends, and could say mean things about me. (though tbf his friend things im pretty hehe). It's a little humiliating how much I put myself out there, how many songs I sang for him, and how much I comforted him, but I don't blame myself, I would do that again but just with someone who would receive that better.
I have to accept that I never get answers or "closure", but really I don't think he has any answers to give me. I still have to like myself, and not become a worser person because of this, I've been pretty good at that part though, I have enough self love storehouses hahah.
But also remember that you did mean something to him at one point, he did message you when he was sad, he did spam you after our hangout to say that he missed you and that he had seperation anxiety from being away from me, and I remember all the things he taught me (including how to call someone a bitch) and the fun I had.
I write because it makes me feel better, it makes me feel like I know what I'm doing, and that I have a plan.
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