guys guess what! I'm not broken lmao

I realized this morning, I'm 16, and I've never truly had my heart broken. I've felt heartbroken before, but not actual heartbroken. I've never been broken in pieces, much less because of a guy.

Yesterday, my friend texted me, her guy said he wanted to stop their relationship, so he broke up with her. Once I found out, I immediately invited her over, told her I'd be home in an hour, and said we'll talk and hangout with her. I've also known this girl for only a week but we feel so close already. This girl is the epitome of going through a breakup. I love her so much though, and we had a fun night out and in together with her other friend as well, and she got to laugh, she got to sob, she got to be whatever she wanted to be, feel whatever she needed to feel. As we comforted her, Kyla said that her crying meant that it was real, and what they had was real, she agreed. I'm glad we had this night for her, and as I reflected at the end of the day, I noticed a few things.

I never cried like that over any guy, the past month I've been getting over a guy, but I've never cried, and I agree what we had wasn't that real. My love is mine all mine hahahah. 

I remember this point with this guy (my first real getting over a guy thing at 13), after months of dreaming about the idea of him, that I realized if he texted me "hey baby" or called me his girlfriend how I'd cringe at that, weird right? I would think I really really like this guy, but the actual thought of him calling me his bae is absolutely no. I hit that same point with this recent pal, where I realized even though I really liked and adored him, how weird it would be for him to refer to me as his girlfriend. I don't think that's even a me thing, because there's guys that I'm like hell yeah call me baby bae honey and that shi will feel good, but specifically the guys I have crushed on aren't even the guy that will make me feel good in a relationship. I think it's just wanting if for the sake of wanting what you can't have.

Something Kyla (my sister) had to remind me through all this growing up era of mine, is to not become an egotistical person who is bitter and thinks she's too good for everyone now. Yeah it stung for her to say that to me but she really is right, it's an easy direction to go in. Some days I feel like cursing out francis and breaking down everything about him that makes him a crap person, and then I realize, he's just another human wandering on this spinning rock. God didn't put us in each other's paths for him to hurt me and then for me to be bitter. I can't choose his actions, but I sure as can choose mine.

I don't really want to sacrifice my morals and standards of always being good to people and even being over-supporting just so I can look like the "unbothered cool girl low effort supreme". Yes, I don't get the last laugh, I don't get to look unfazed, I look like a give a shit. But in this world of people who pretend they don't care and don't try in the fear of seeing that they tried, I've stopped trying to follow along with that. Yes I look cringe, no, I'm not going to let that hold me back. What's great is that I don't have to see him again, we don't have lots of common friends, we live far enough away to not run into each other, as in I can move on and not have to dwell in that boat. 

I've been writing this post throughout the work day, I started around 10am? It's 10pm now. I guess I see how my mood fluctuates, I'm pretty happy to just write whatever, but I like that I get excited to write about new things now. OK I KNOW THIS IS BAD TIMING TO SAY WHEN I'VE LITERALLY JUST BEEN WRITING ABOUT THIS GUY BUT GENERALLY SPEAKING.

Sometimes something will start to make me anxious about what he thinks of me, but then I remember what we were literally talking about in class about sacrificing the opinions of others to keep your morals and to do what's right. I'm not going to go into my deep thought about that but I gotta know that this guy thinks I'm a weird try hard person, that I'm needy and clingy, and that I'm a kid. I've gotta say (respectfully), so what? As long as the people I really care about don't think that about me, do I have to change myself for the people who are also just trying to be low effort, and can't stand when someone else tries?

I gotta accept that he'll show his friends, and could say mean things about me. (though tbf his friend things im pretty hehe). It's a little humiliating how much I put myself out there, how many songs I sang for him, and how much I comforted him, but I don't blame myself, I would do that again but just with someone who would receive that better.

I have to accept that I never get answers or "closure", but really I don't think he has any answers to give me. I still have to like myself, and not become a worser person because of this, I've been pretty good at that part though, I have enough self love storehouses hahah.

But also remember that you did mean something to him at one point, he did message you when he was sad, he did spam you after our hangout to say that he missed you and that he had seperation anxiety from being away from me, and I remember all the things he taught me (including how to call someone a bitch) and the fun I had.

I write because it makes me feel better, it makes me feel like I know what I'm doing, and that I have a plan.

The sun set over the horizon

You watch the sun, a glorious bright orange ball low in the horizon. It casts it's orange/pink streaks all over the sky, making the buildings glow with warmth. Any person would look at this and say it's beautiful. It's empowering. However, as fast as a few minutes, the sun has sunk below the horizon, leaving you in awe of first it's beauty, but right after the stark difference of how it leaves the world within minutes of radiance. The sky starts to darken, soon it becomes pitch black. Was the sun even there to begin with? Will life stay dark forever, the sun leaving you only of it's beaming memory?

moving on + getting asked out by my gym crush

Sooooooo. It's the 1st of March, you know what that means.

It means absolutely nothing to any normal person, but every 1st of each month sends me into a semi panic of realizing the year is passing before I even let it.

It's 8pm in a Starbucks, this is the second time in my life I've even been to a Starbucks but I really just needed a space to be away from home so I can write till my hearts content. Because living life without reflecting on it feels like a waste, there's so many lessons to be learned in the smallest of inconveniences. Point in case, I'm getting over myself on a guy I wrote about previously, remember francis? You probably do as every post since November has mentioned him heh, but it's been an interesting time. I'm not really here to write out a series of events, or to blame or to reminisce, I just enjoy reflecting. Thank goodness I can reflect on my time friendship with francis and not feel too bitter, I still feel happiness from those memories. UHmmm I don't know what happened to us really but whatever was there is not there anymore and technically that may've been my doing, but I've accepted that the people that you want are not always the people that you need.

I'm not depressed, I don't think I'm particularly broken/hurt either. Anything that's not a long term relationship is easier to get over. However I don't think I'll ever be able to date anyone called francis cus that shit is just too triggering lmao. I still think the best of him, I still care and I don't even think that's a bad thing. I need is time, because after a month I see how life has changed and how the more that life events happen, the less I'm sad on his absence in my life. Bro he's not dead but he might be with the lack of communication hehe. I'm learning more about myself, I'm growing, and I kinda owe that to him. It's like I'm getting the teenage breakup experience without the depressingly bitter afterparty. Anyway, one day Amy, look up a guy called Francis ____ _____ (redacted for priviacy) for funsies. Bwhahaha the way that auto corrected to funguses. 

Alright new news. I'm going to the gym now. Ummm I am far from a gym girl and it's literally the most embarrassing shi ever when you pick up the 5kg dumbbells, but what else am I gonna do, start doing reps with a banana? I can finally do the actual freaking splits, and I'm just flexing that in the gym haha. Matter of fact, I got asked out by my gym crush today. NOW Y'ALL BEFORE YOU FREAK OUT ON ME, HE'S TOO OLD FOR ME ANYWAY.

I saw him last week at the gym, I thought he was cute and he was pretty fit, I was watching his jump rope technique as well. And when I left the gym, I looked back and noticed him watching me walking off, I looked back again and he waved with a smile uwu. So, today I went to the gym at the same time a week later on the same day, not just because of him, but also since that's the best time for me. He was there, but I didn't think much of it since he was pretty locked in (also his calensthetics is some crazy stuff), I just did my flexy stuff in the side room. As I left again, he smiled and waved. I giggled and bounced off but I didn't want him to see me blushing so I walked around the longer way behind the hedge so the window couldn't see me, I get back to the path and there he is, looking for someone. He sees me and I already know he's looking for me. Ahhhahhahahah. Hehehehhe.

We walk up to each other and he starts with "hey, I saw you at the gym last week, what's your name?" It was sweet, we had some small talk, until he said that we should hangout some time and asked for my number. Super smooth btw.

Now at this point, I stop because I knowwww that this guyyyyy is gonna be olderrr than meee. And do we want to repeat that mistake again? No guys, no.

 I pull back a little as I process this, and say maybe maybe, it depends how old you are.... 

HE'S 25 Y'ALL. 25. I was like ohhh, he's like ooh, are you like 18? 😭😭 bro no.

I joked that the problem is that I look a lot older than I am, he asked again how old I was. 16 :')

I'm pretty grateful he didn't make it weird or make me feel bad at all. I wast just like, yeah.. but hey I'll see you around. He didn't push for anything or make me uncomfortable, good on him for shooting his shot on a hottie, not his fault he didn't know I was I minor lmao.

I really had a field day with that.

In the morning I went to a local filipino church lds ward, omidays sometimes I love being a foreigner in the Philippines. The way everyone automatically loves you and wants to be your friend is unreal, met some really fun girls though, plus a guy from my seminary was from there.

Oh yes, I'm going to seminary now. It's really pushing me to learn Tagalog, my understanding has gotten drastically better coincidentally since francis and I stopped talking. Call me cringe, but since then I feel like I'm heading into a grow up growth era. With him, I felt like that was it. As in I didn't have a drive to make other friends, I spent all my free time on him in the evenings, he was all I wanted really. Since then, it means I push myself to do things, I push myself to enjoy myself. NOW THIS SOUNDS CRINGE TOO, but self loves is actually super underrated. There is something to be said about having a too high ego and up yourself, but it doesn't hurt to be able to truly enjoy an afternoon with yourself. I've always enjoyed spending time with just me. Some of my good memories are from that, but mostly with other people. I'm happiest around people, always. Even now, I'm happy because I'm sitting around people in a Starbucks. I don't even have to interact with people to make me happy. Syempre I get people sick sometimes too, I'm just lucky I get to control if I go out of the house or not.

Hang on my skirt is so tight, imma discretely unzip it a little. Sorry TMI y'all.

Also it's crazy how dead blogging is. No one has any attention span past a 5 second video, which really is a cause of so many people's problems. The best feelings come from investing effort I'd say, a relationship is investing effort, reading my blog is effort, a personal project is effort, I think that's something I should expand on later.

I'm just a girl really, I love life, and damn do I need to lose my thing for older guys. I don't mean my virginity guys, I mean losing that intrigue.

Till next time,

Amy