Bro life is wack

Ahhh one month left to 16.
Honestly, 16 doesn't feel as monumental to me as much as others make it out to be. Sweet sixteen, let me break it down for you.

- You can now drive! (No you can't since you live in Manila silly)
- You can now date! (No you can't because your a mormon)
- You're past the age of consent! (Also no because you're a mormon)
- You can change your name! (I think this all comes back to the mormon thing huh)
- You can get a job! (Already have one 60 hours a week)
- Income Tax!!!! (Kill me now)

Look, I'm not annoyed about it, but I don't have anything in particular to look forward to. I'm most excited about looking more like my age because 15 has grown out on me fast. I mentioned in a previous blog post how many people I hear the disappointed "Oh you're only 15?" from. Ohh my days it's gotten so much worse since being in the Philippines. It's like I'm automatically and adult in their eyes because I'm mature and tall.

I don't know how other people take it, I have a little friend group of 3 friends who are all 20-21, and also all guys coincidentally. Broo no clue why thy didn't run when they heard I was 15, like they were shocked and then just went with it. I feel bad for one of them since he wasn't there when we had that conversation, and I think he started being a little into me until he asked. Whhyyy does this happen to me he was so cute. But we still hung out again, I seriously don't know how they perceive me. 
To be fair I'm thrilled to be past the age of consent, not because I'm gonna go hoe off now but because I feel less like a child. But put it this way, even if my magic fairy god mother came and asked if I wanted to turn into a 19 year old, I'd still say no. I've still got lots to work on in the character development and career development side of things, and that just means when I turn 19, I'll be an extra amazing person.
And also I'd be able to finally date a 20 year old legally.

Crawlspace

I'm listening to Crawlspace by Valley. I'm smiling because I remember what this song used to mean to me. It's about change, and how change is uncomfortable, and "nothing was the same as it was", but ultimately how it's a part of life.

When Dad left to move overseas back when I was 14, this song was a repeat for me, and I'm grateful that I spent time with myself to accept that nothing will be the same. To see it as a part of life, and not to fear it in the future. I'm excited for change, and the fact that everything that is now, is not forever. You hold onto what you have, you appreciate it and maximize it, but you say goodbye with gratitude instead of regret.

Nothing is forever :)

HUMBLE

 If you ever start feeling like you're somewhat cool, just surf francis's instagram: @sanfranzisco

BWAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA, I NEED TO STOP.

Edit: try the tiktok like I just did 😭

What in the actual how

It's been 3 days since I moved to Quezon City, Manila, in the freaking philippines. And if you can't tell, I love it.

I was pretty skeptical at first, it's not the prettiest or cleanest country, but it's so alive. To be fair, me and family probably live in the nicest place of the whole city (I'm seriously not trying to brag, but we live in a condiminum next to poverty. I'm writing this from a balcony that overlooks the other apartments and the city. I can hear cars beeping, kids playing, whistles blowing, aircons blowing. it's just bliss. And this is my life now?!

There are pools downstairs, a gym, life guards, and three 6-level malls. Still, I have to work very hard to be here, and work is crazy too. I really am 15, but I work on some crazy tech level stuff. I don't like to talk about it though since that's what my dad's for, he only likes to talk about work. I like to talk to you about the stuff people don't get to hear, you're like my therapist. I think is what they call self-therapy hahahaha.

On Sunday, the craziest thing happened. Like, from a movie type thing. Kyla and I were resting on a pool chair after a late night swim, it's pretty, it's calm. A guy came up to us to ask if the pool was closed, it was, but on seeing that he was our age and cute, we said yeah with a bit more enthusiasm. He had 2 other friends with him that he went back to and we observed how they were filming dance videos, but proper dance not just tiktok. Kyla and I were talking about how I felt like I wasn't going to make any friends because of language barrier, and she said "Don't worry, I'm going to get you some friends". I was sort of sad seeing these guys since it made me feel like I didn't have anyone to hang out with, but was it just me or did the same guy keep looking back at us?

We were supposed to go home, but I asked Kyla if we could go to the playground that was right next to them, and as we walked I started giving signal. 

To be continued

You never know the good you do

Today I held my best friend as she sobbed into my shoulder. It was the last time I was ever going to see her. I said many of goodbyes today, and somehow, I'm not sad. I haven't even cried with grief yet.

I've been in Christchurch for 3 years, and I feel like for the first year, I was so defeated about moving here in the first place that I didn't even try. I didn't appreciate, and I didn't love. The next 2 years, I came out of my shell, and found purpose in every day things. Now my all has been centered around "going about doing good". I'm 15, which is seems to be a prime age of doing opposite, but really you can go about doing harm at any age. It's seriously so joyfully rewarding to actually improve someone else's life. I understand the reward of taring someone's else's life down, but it serve's no fufillment, and has no joy.

Naturually, I am a pretty happy person. I wouldn't be surprised if by 40 I have a bijilion smile lines. I'm the first to greet the new girl, I enjoy connecting with people, I enjoy making people feel like they belong, and I love spreading joy. I mean this is a pretty sappy interpretation because I imagine many people say these same sentances without filling it but hopefully you can take my word.

This brings me back to "You never know the good you do".  You know how much self-doubt you have to go through when you're the one initating interactions, being weirdly happy, and participating to the max? In NZ, culture is pretty laid back. Boys and girls don't talk, and they're the opposite of me. Not sure if it's like that everywhere. I wouldn't know if people see me as a aspirational wannabe, however this to me is the right choice that brings at least me, joy. Jesus went about doing good, and I'm trying to follow in his way. Today, as I step back and observe what I've built up in the last 2 years, you see the good. We had a small goodbye party with my young women's youth group, and they went around the room sharing anything with me. I look around and see girls who used to feel invisible, or who used to feel like they didn't fit in, but now I see girls who belong. So many said that I was the first person who made them feel welcomed, and how that affected them later on.

What Mila said made me laugh, we've gotten close in the past few months. She's 2 years older than me and has just finished high school, we were loosely friends before but not super close. She said that in the beginning, she saw that I was really happy and good, and that she thought I must be fake or something, but that the longer I was around, she realised that was who I was, and that it was permanent and I truly was just a good person. She said that even though I'm younger than her, every time I speak in seminary (which is a lot), and every time I talk in class, it makes her want to do so as well.

Lita mentioned the funny circumstance of how we met, I had almost forgot! On my first time going to a church young women's activity, I was there at the beach with our YW leader at the time Elise. Elise only mentioned then, that sometimes, nobody shows up at all. That sure made me feel greaaat. Then Lita arrived. She was the first girl I met. We walked on the beach doing a scavenger hunt, and she was just good to me. She is one of those people who exudes joy as well, and she's so graceful in it. She also mentioned how her and Mila had talked about how my hugs were also so good which is nice to know :))

From the time when there was only 2 young women showing up, to now almost 10 of us, it's a fufilling feeling knowing my hand was in that. To know that I made a difference, and that I brought people who felt like they had no friends, to have the best friends ever. It doesn't mean everyone notices the extent of my masterminding, but God will, and I feel more confident about standing at my judgement bar.

I'll miss feeling like a leader, feeling like I belong, and honestly feeling so freaking cool. I was saying goodbye to bestie Khorban when I asked him and Temi if the Young Men would freak out if I went and gave them hugs too (I haven't really talked to them). He was like "ummm, I'm not sure", and that includes his older brother too. I knew I would regret otherwise so I just walked up to each of them, called them by name, and gave them a hug. I don't even know if they knew I was leaving hahaha. I'll describe each hug because I think it's hillarious.

Levi I've always thought was pretty handsome, because he looks like Khorban, but if Khorban was straight lol. I don't think he was expecting it at all but he still smiled and gave me like a distant hug haha.

I think Layton likes me, but I doubt it's a full on crush. He's a guy's guy, but he seems to have good enough manners. Solid 8/10 hug.

One is like a big brother to me. For a few months, he had to take the bus home from seminary as well because he has a health problem which means he gets sick easily. I was pretty shy since he's this 18 year old Poly guy and I was a 14 year old white girl, but I won't forget how nice he was and inclusive in a very brotherly way. We would talk on the bus, and more notably we scripted a whole chant together for a youth shield challange. He too, is moving to the phillipines on his 2 year lds mission, but we'll be in different parts. I'm always surprised how open he is to just giving a good hug. Will miss him and Lita.

I've said all my goodbye's now, and I don't have any regrets. Christchurch shaped me as a person, and I'll likely forget all the nitty gritty details of how that came about, but what I fundimentally advocate for hopefully won't. 

And a hundred mother truckers can't tell me nothing.

Continuation of the last blog: My best friend's reaction

 

... little did she know I have already written a whole blog for future's reference

Sure let me just dump this so I can carry on and not be love sick hwaaa

You know in saying that, I realise all of these entries are attached to my name and someone may be able to find it one day, but eh, I'll live.

I genuinely believe that love generally brings the most joy, and brings the most sadness. This is for a good reason, for without the bitter, we wouldn't know the sweet. Any time something remotely sweet happens to me, I hold on as long as I can. Then it goes, and then it's gone.

I have a weird tendency to seem older than I actually am, so I've heard the most disappointed "Oh your 15?" from guys. I'm not regretful but it's quite amusing. This probably stems from me liking guys who are too old for me, but don't worry, I don't push it. So all in all, I just know I'm never going to date until I'm 20. To be honest, I think that's a good and responsible thing. Responsibility isn't always a fun word though. I've watched my sister wander through relationships, only to be regretful, disappointed, or unhappy afterwards. I respect her though, she takes more chances then me.

I've liked maybe 5 different people? But the ones I have are generally pretty cool people and I respect them all. 

Most recently after a loooong period of sitting on my single butt, I met this guy. Except, I've never met him. I wish I could say I met this guy Jimmy and Jimmy likes to do xyz and Jimmy said xyz about me, but nah, we've never talked. Somehow though, he's the first person I've ever been sure of a connection between us, as in we both really like each other, enough to remember each other after months.

Disclaimer: I don't expect anyone who reads this to take it seriously. Plus I'm moving far far away overseas in less than 2 weeks forever, so it's sad enough for me to know that this is it. I'm documenting so I can appreciate and move on :0

In early March, many members of my church were doing service at our new temple, it went on for a few weeks, and so many people came to help. It was a huge people project. People, service, temple are my 3 favourite words combined together. I stood proud with my "Usher" lanyard tag, a red top and a white skirt, and my black converse. On my first day, I was guiding groups in and out of the temple. Before you go in, you have to get your shoes covered with a plastic film so you don't get the floor dirty. There's a marquee, and inside is a long bar, and about 10 youth behind them with boxes of shoe coverings ready to put them on your shoes. It was my job, to guide my group of 20 people into the marquee, get them all to go up to the bar to get their shoe coverings, and then lead them through the temple. As everyone was doing so, I went up the first guy I saw and stood at the bar. 

He was wearing a light grey suit, and he had wide brown eyes and brown hair, and he sat staring at me. I was a bit flustered because usually the youth just degenerately put stuff on your shoe and then call for the next, but he just looked at me almost shocked? Like the face you pull at someone when they say your name and you wait for them to ask a question.

After a few short seconds of me realizing this guy was cute and him staring at me, he realized and went to go cover my shoes. I assume I would've smiled, said thanks, then carried on to my group. I kinda giggled but didn't think much of that interaction. For the rest of that day, I always went up to him to do my shoes, but it's really nothing to swoon over because it's not like he had a choice hahaha. I wanted to go talk to him at some point, but I didn't know how as I usually had 20+ people behind me waiting for me to guide them. On my last tour, which I call the sunset tour, I was walking up to the temple marquee anticipating seeing this guy again, but he walked out as his shift was over. He looked at me, and then at the 30 people behind me all bustling along, it's not like we could've even talked, but he smiled and raised his eyebrows the way I would come to remember. 

Edit: I found what I wrote that day in my journal: On my last tour at sunset, he was going the opposite way ending for the day and um haha, it was nice to see a full shot of him, grey suit, tall, cute big smile as I passed. He was sweet X

Sure, nothing else there, why on earth is amy saying this super long story about stupid shoe coverings?! Chill, I'm bored, and like I said, I have nothing else to swoon over.

I saw him 3 more times after this. I was doing shoe coverings a few weeks later, and we happened to be on the same shift, except we were on opposites sides so he only saw me as I walked out for the day, he saw me and did his smile with raised eyebrows and waved.

2 months later before I left Auckland, me and my mum were in mission bay, a beachy place far from where we live, so you can imagine my surprise seeing him there. It's one of my favourite places in the world (would recommend you visit) and I first went there a youth trip a year ago. My mum was taking a selfie of us when this boy passed on an electric scooter, he was wearing a long bright orange t-shirt and he looked surprised, and you guessed it, does his smile with his eyebrows thing. I honestly had no time to process that I just cocked my head at him. Until I realised who he was, oh well, it was too late but at least now I know he has a bunch of younger siblings/maybe cousins. I was soo happy that day, it felt like a small glimpse of fate.

I wrote this in my journal that day: There was something that softened in me I must say haha. He has the nicest smile out of everyone I've ever seen in the world. I felt so so grateful to see it again. I really doubt I'll see him agin, but if I did, I'd be really lucky.

4 months later, I'm sitting in stake conference literally in the 2nd to front row. All the youth were sitting at the front, I didn't even think about if he'd be there. Bless the chorister for getting everyone to stand up to sing amazing grace, because when I stood up and started singing, I saw him at the front and he saw me too.

I can't tell you how nice it was to see his familiar face in a stake where I knew nobody. It made me so happy when he did his smile and raised eyebrow thing, he's almost grown a little older, but the same genuine expression.

I spent the rest of that stake conference deluding myself that no way he recognized me, or even if he did, he was probably smiling at his bro or something. To explain, in New Zealand polynesian culture, boys and girls seriously don't interact. Their whole youth is polynesian, apart from him, but idk he's probably a halfie which explains why he's so handsome to me.

After Stake Conference I was whisked of with Tane and mum to say hi to all the presidency, take photos, blah blah, which to be honest I always enjoy because they'll all tell me "wow she's so pretty!" "you've raised her well" "you're only 15?!". I wasn't going to approach mystery boy because at this point I had deluded that he probably didn't even know me. But I kept looking back and saw him looking for me in my direction. I was soooo nervous. I ended up walking out the chapel to look for mum, and there he was.

HWAAAAAAAAAAAH

I cannot stress how much I loved our little interaction there. He saw me, walked over and shook my hand and then put his other hand over mine. HE HELD MY HAND WHAHTHATH.

This is a serious over reaction but I'd only ever imagined this guy from afar, and it was pretty easy to think that it's in my head. But he looked at me with warmth, and I seriously don't know what I said. I think I said "good to see you :))" or "hi??" I was definitely mad smiling though.

And with that, a whole year of imagining became real :))

Straight A's makes me a single bae

 

November 1st's rant

There's an unspoken and spoken connection between me and my mum. She is so cute and small, and truly nobody loves me and knows me like her. A bond like this is something worth standing up for, it's worth preserving and nurturing.

I'm not going to go into all the troubles that others have caused to skew this, because ultimately, I love my mum and she loves me. When she passes on one day, I'll be sad but I know that who I am as a person is because of her, and how I see the world is because of her, so she's not truly left me.

Now onto today,

It was Stake Conference Saturday, and mum and Tane were giving a talk together. Have you ever seen 2 non-chalant people prepare together? Well that's the thing ... they don't. It's a blessing that the Lord is in the center of their relationship so he can carry their words. I really did enjoy it, even though I had to sit alone while they were at the front. I wore my nicest dress with a blue jumper over, I wore a white headband and I curled my hair. There was an Area 70 that was speaking too, and afterwards, he ended up talking with me as I was talking to bishop originally when he came to say hi. I noticed he was side-eyeing me when he asked for my age, which I replied with 15, but 16 in January of course. He said I looked much older, and I know people say that when they were hoping I was older,  hahaha so he then said that I looked really sweet and that he wished his son were with him so he could introduce him to me, but that he was probably too old. I was really flustered and so flattered!! Like coming from a general authority, that's like the best compliment ever. He said he saw the light of christ through me, and I'm still pondering that.

I'm not a member that can stand and proclaim that this gospel is true, but I am a girl who tries to show and spread the love of christ through my actions, and through my own love for others. I feel inadequate that I don't have full faith yet, but I guess I'm not doing too bad if I inspire others to follow Him. I try my best, and I hope one day I will have faith of things as they are, and faith in things that are yet to come.

After this long excursion which was waiting for parents to finish chatting, we went to our favourite filipino restraunt just to see the missionaries and a friend of ours were there as well! We joined them and I always enjoy the company of others. But being a young girl around Elder missionaries I feel like saying nooo I don't wanna dismay you by talking to you, or I don't want to accidentally hit on you. No, don't worry I don't, but the thought still runs through my head. On of the Elders, Elder Tahi was pretty amused by my dumphone. At least it's a conversation starter.

Tane was happy chatty on the way home which I always like to see when him and mum are happy, and I get to just watch from the backseat. It was 9pm at this point so mum and I took the dog we're dogsitting out for a short walk, and I took a verryyy long shower after. At least it gave mum and Tane some time to themselves. We giggled through scripture reading, as I was snuggled into mum, and mum was holding Tane's hand. I realise that I think I model more of my ideal future relationship more off them 2 rather than my dad. You can't build a long-term relationship off lust, and that's what my dad had, and still wants to have.

I believe you can't build a relationship off control, power, or rank. They do these things on the basis that a woman needs to be 'put in her place'. Sure, if you're trying to reign in a woman whose hotsy, then what do you expect? Some people just don't work together, that doesn't mean you need to control them into a good relationship. Pure love is shown through 2 people who devote themselves to eachother, and I personally find it endearing when I see husbands who still don't believe they deserve their wives. The main thing, is finding a wife that doesn't manipulate that. Hear me out dad, it's bekky and the women on the internet. He doesn't go out enough to realise there's more out in the real wold. But of course, who posts a video about a woman who does good in her relationship?

Needless to say, I take people's experiences and try and compile them together to find something that fits in my head, but I'm open-minded.

Sooooooo, after that spiteful tangent, mum and I talked as I tried snuggling maui the dog (he just growled at me) and posted a fb story, and now she tucked me into bed, and now I'm writing lol. Just so I can get thoughts off my chest.

I am so grateful I was born at the time I was, to the parents I was, and to the Lord who I wish to become like.

Old mornings

The fluttery alarm sound, mum still asleep on the other side of the bed as I hazely reach over to get my clothes for the day, it's still dark out. I turn the lamp on, but set it to the lowest setting, and in the low light, I curl my eyelashes and think about if I look cool enough for seminary. Maybe Owen will sit with me, maybe I'll talk to Calvin, that's what goes through my mind. Mum stirs 5 minutes before we have to go, she trots off to the kitchen to make me a milo (a nz hot choccy type drink). I'll take one last look in the bathroom mirror to confirm that I look cute but still cool so that these polynesians won't oust me. 

It was always a morning of hope, as if each day I'll come home with a new story to tell.