I don't know how other people get over it, because quite frankly ever since he told me it's like I can't see him the same way. To be fair it's not like we're in our 20s where that would be normal, we're both sixteen. Not just that, we're both in a church that prohibits that before marrige. I understand that he wasn't even in the church back then, but it was only six months ago... I still remember the look on his face when he said it too. I'm not resenting him for it at all, I still love him it's just processing in my mind right now.
I asked him outright if he was a virgin, he paused first and then jokingly asked me why I wanted to know, but he got serious and then looked down. He then finally said no. No he was not a virgin. I would say it took it well, my face was probably mixed emotions but I was like ok, ok um alright wow. I mean what am I supposed to say to that, I think my first question was who, and he said his last girlfriend that we'd previously been talking about.
Okay so who decided that god should give me a mouth because I used that mouth to blurt out "How was it?". Like who in their right minds asks that lmao. Well his english didn't quite catch that so he asked "how was it... are you asking how many times?". Ah why yes emmanuel I would like to know that too. So I said yeah actually how many times did you.. you know. I could tell these were hard questions for him to answer, especially to me. We were sitting on the rooftop, past midnight, sitting facing eachother after we'd made out. He looks away and says "so many times", was that regret I heard in his voice? I don't know but I think I probably swallowed my heart if that was possible.
He said they would kiss, she would turn off the lights, and then ... yeah. Okay so why did god give me curiousity too because when he asked again by what did I mean how was it, I said likee... did you enjoy it? GIRL WHY ARE YOU ASKING OF COURSE HE DID HE IS A MAN WITH A DONG FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. He look pained and was like ahauuh why are you asking me that? I was so flushed I just said nevermind and laughed it off. So I'm processing still, and he's like do you wanna play truth or dare then if you've got more questions, and that did sound fun but I say no, because I have a serious last question to ask him.
I'm too shy to use said mouth so I first ask "Are you sad that we won't ever do that?", he's like what, because he can tell that I'm holding it back. I'm blushing pretty bad at this point, I hold him by the shoulders again so I can brave the courage to just outright say "Are you sad that we'll never have sex?". I think he was impressed by my direct question, or maybe just surprised. It was clear his answer was no, because he told me that love isn't sex, love is more than that, so it doesn't make him sad. Honestly all in all it was a good conversation and I'm really glad we had it even if it means it ruins some special things, I would rather know yk?
I guess it's scary for me knowing I'm a complete newby to all of this, he's my first kiss and my first boyfriend and any romantic thing you can just slap a first label on. But I do like how good he is at all of it. How good he is at laying me down. bwehhheheheheheheheee. So maybe I do prefer that he's experienced, it's just a weird thought. He really loves me, which is scary in it's own way. He loves me more than I love him, which sounds mean to say, but it's the truth. I haven't talked to him in 2 days and I have hundreds of messages from him telling me how much it hurts and he misses me and loves me. He's messaged my mum and sister too asking about me. It's not actually a willfull thing, since I got back home near 1am I'm in super trouble so I'm trying not to do anything that upsets my dad, since we're still beefing over the fact that I have a boyfriend now. Maybe I'm overthinking it all but I think in life we don't always feel the rational feeling, and I think it's okay to share that too :)
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